Friendship and Divorce: Choosing Who To Trust
Hello and welcome to my stream of consciousness about relaunching your life through and after divorce. I’m going to be sharing with you the way I share with some of my closest friends—and mostly in my own head. The vibe of this will be raw and almost conversational. It’s often what you can find in my Instagram stories but now put down in a more permanent, blog format.
Grab a cup of tea, latte, or green juice and settle in.
I asked myself—where do I start? Instead of starting at the beginning, I’m going to weave the beginning into my present experience and reflect on lessons for you to process for yourself.
I woke up this morning with thoughts about privacy and friendship on my mind. It’s been my experience that through our lives friends come and go. Who we choose to confide in and share the most personal details of our lives with is more important than we often realize. Once you go through a divorce this becomes glaringly obvious.
For example, ask yourself is the person you’re confiding in one that you can truly trust? When I began the separation process I pulled away from most people for different reasons. It was almost like I was interviewing them when the news on the separation came up and then, based on their response, I decided what to do from there.
The friendship interview.
Tell them you’re separating.
Listen to how they respond.
Their response will possibly tell you everything you need to know and then you need to make the hard decision from there. The following are some red flags for someone who you need to seriously consider minimizing contact with:
The “God hates divorce” narrative. This is a tough one because what they fail to realize is that you didn’t get married to give up and get divorced. You have valid reasons for what you are doing and you aren’t required to make them understand them. What I’ve found with this type of person is that there is often nothing you can say to convince them you’re doing the right thing. There are possibly zero reasons that are good enough for them.
The “stay for the kids” narrative. This is coming from a naive person. Staying for the kids superficially sounds like it makes sense. The truth is that not all marriages are good environments for kids. Some kids are better off having peace at least 50% of the time vs whatever the environment is the home is 100% of the time.
The “stay together for finances” narrative. These people don’t perceive you as being able to financially afford the divorce and then being a single mother afterwards. There is truth in what you face moving forward—especially if you are leaving someone who chooses a path of wanting to financially destroy you to punish you. Finances drive a lot of decisions during a divorce.
The “sew your wild oats” narrative. I decided to refer to this friend as that because this is the one who is possibly divorced or single or wishes they were. She is already encouraging you to go out, party, and get on dating apps. Her motive is either to live vicariously through you or to encourage you to be her debauchery partner.
The “perpetual victim” narrative. This results in a toxic entanglement of complaining and downward spiraling. The glass is always half empty. Years after the ink is dry on the divorce decree this person is still complaining about their ex. This person’s life is nonstop drama and negativity. They’re sick, their kids are a mess, their finances are in shambles, and things are always going wrong.
The “my way of the highway” narrative. This is the person who tells you what to do and how to do it. Their way is the right way and they don’t allow you to choose your own path. This shows up often with parents. They feel they can come in and start parenting again now that your ex is out of the way. They might begin trying to dictate your life and possibly even offer money as a means to guilt you into doing what they say.
There are probably more but these are the ones that come to mind today. It’s important that in each situation you come to terms with who each person is and what you want to allow in your life. Their energy has an impact on you. In life in general we can be drained easily by these types of people and in a divorce you need every ounce of energy you have.
Now that you have edited your friend list, the second part to this is deciding what you’re sharing with the friends you have left. Even the most well-meaning friends may casually share tidbits of information that could harm you during your divorce process. We like to think that there is legally a level of confidence with a doctor or a therapist but that isn’t even true in a divorce. Lawyers may even share opinions about you to other legal professionals, even if they don’t use your name, it’s such a small world that people have a way of figuring things out. People are people and the only way for something to 100% be confidential is to keep it locked in your own mind. I’ve seen information comprised simply because a client’s friend’s ex was monitoring her devices and sharing private conversations they were having with my client’s ex.
The ability to keep your mouth shut is a flex.
Ask yourself these questions:
What information are you sharing and why are you sharing it? Who needs to know? Why do they need to know? Is that reason valid? Are you seeking approval? Are you seeking validation? Are you trying to make yourself look like the good guy? Are you gossiping? Is this first hand information? Is it yours to share? Do you know all of the facts for certain? Are you making assumptions? If you share this information and it gets out, will it hurt your legal position or someone else’s? Are kids involved? Will sharing this information potentially harm the children?
I feel like I could make one of those yes/no flow charts and often the answer will be STFU.
There’s a time to put people on blast and a time for PATIENCE and strategy. The last thing you want is your legal strategy to be revealed or for a friend to suddenly turn on you and disclose private information to someone. In my business relationships I’ve had assistants sign nondisclosure agreements (NDAs). These at least give some teeth to the privacy concept. At the end of the day the lesson is:
Be cautious and strategic about what you share and with whom you share it.
In my Relaunch Roadmap programs I talk about strategies that help you decide what to share and when to share it along with helping you make decisions in general. Decision exhaustion through divorce is so real.
You and your children are the #1 priority. Make decisions that send that clear message to the Universe.
Love,
Makelina
